Beantrarians, unite!

As I ponder yet another presidential election I am once again confronted with choices that don't reflect my views or address my concerns.  I have no doubt that the candidates are all decent enough men and if I had them over for dinner and a game of Settlers of Catan we would enjoy one another's company.  Unfortunately appreciating my exquisite barbecue chicken is not sufficient to win my vote.  I want someone who will feel my pain, assuage my anguish, and save incandescent light bulbs.

To this end I have decided to start my own political party, and all are invited to join.  It is called the Beantrarian Party.  I chose this name because it is my family name, Bean (enormous ego is essential when starting one's own party) as well as a legume that causes many people considerable intestinal discomfort (another key component of any political organization) combined with the word contrarian, which perfectly describes our party platform;

WE OPPOSE

What do we oppose, you ask?  Whatever someone else wants.  It is a law of politics that if it's good for someone else, it must not be good for me, so we hereby oppose anything and everything anyone wants.  It's such a simple concept;  no talking points to discuss, no memos to distribute, no strategy to devise.  

The new Beantrarian Party needs candidates, and I have done ample research to find the perfect pair.  For President of the United States of America the Beatrarians would like to nominate the French composer Jean Baptiste Lully.  Born in Italy in 1632 he moved to France and became the most important composer of Parisian ballets and operas.  He has excellent credentials to recommend his candidacy.  He was ambitious and ruthless in his brazen machinations to  rise to the top of Louis XIV's court.  He was also of dubious moral repute, having numerous affairs with women and men, causing scandals that shocked even Louis.  The end of his life was equally dramatic.  He lost his temper while conducting an ensemble and stabbed himself in the foot with his long conducting stick.  Gangrene set in and he died in 1687.  Clearly here is the perfect politician, a man with no conscience to get in the way of our cause, a man who will stop at nothing to succeed.

For his running mate the Beantrarians will nominate Anonymous the Fourth.  Anonymous is precisely that, an unknown 13th century scholar who wrote an important treatise on music.  Since we don't know who he is, he can't say anything embarrassing, lose a debate, or express an inappropriate opinion.  He also can't perform any real function, which makes him the perfect vice-presidential candidate.

It has occurred to me that our Lully/Anonymous ticket may be hampered by the fact that they are dead.  The Constitution may stipulate that candidates be living at the time of their nomination, although if you study past elections it is impossible to ascertain if this is truly the case.  But never fear, intrepid voter, we have a back-up pair, Gumby and Pokey.  They will be easily manipulated into supporting our opposition stance.  Some may object that they are artificial and plastic, but there has been ample precedent set for this in previous administrations.

All you tired, you poor, you huddled masses yearning to breathe free of the miasma of election season, cast off the shackles of narrow minded vision and conventional party politics.  Rally 'round the Beantrarian banner.  Join us as we sound the clarion call, "NO PROGRESS IS GOOD PROGRESS!"

Jean Baptiste Lully

    

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