News from the Beantrarian campaign trail

It has been a difficult few weeks for the Beantrarian Party.  Unforeseen complications have arisen.  Our ticket of Lully/Anonymous the Fourth has faced an onslaught from every side.  We have been unable to locate Jean-Baptiste Lully's birth certificate, which is apparently an affront to many voters.  They want proof that he is American and still alive.  We have explained through numerous media outlets that despite the lack of official documentation we know he was born in Italy in the 17th century, and is therefore European and very much dead.  However, there are those who refuse to believe the obvious without hard evidence.  These same voters have questioned Lully's views on guns, birth control, and apple pie.  It has been difficult for Lully to address these concerns as his tongue rotted away three hundred years ago.  But our campaign staff has worked tirelessly to translate his garbled communications, and we are happy to announce his response;

          Guns - "Every man should own a good flintlock to deter the husbands of their paramours."

          Birth Control - "Foregoing the pleasure is advisable when children are not wanted.  Shouldn't that be called Self Control?"

          Apple Pie - "I don't like pie.  It's those English, always putting perfectly good food in a crust."

We at campaign headquarters also feel a need to comment upon the critiques of Lully's debate performance.  Many voters complained that he was lackluster on the stage, seemingly distracted, lacking enthusiasm.  Others believe he appeared wooden and lifeless, to which we reply, he is.

Lully's running mate Anonymous the Fourth has been no less problematic.  He missed the vice-presidential debate completely because we still do not know who he is or where to find him so we were unable to extend the invitation.  The spinmeisters have promulgated the idea that he is from the highly educated upper class and therefore unsympathetic to the plight of the masses, favoring heavy taxes for the middle class and tax cuts for the rich.  Believing that this is an exaggerated, warped interpretation of what may be a privileged background, we asked Anonymous for his view on taxes.  He replied, "I like it.  Great Barbecue."  We replied, "Not Texas, taxes," but his 13th c. Middle English dialect was an impediment to clear understanding.

To counter these discouraging setbacks we realized that we needed to implement two crucial strategic components that our campaign was hitherto missing.  The first is a party mascot.  The Democrats and the Republicans have their donkeys and elephants, what have the Beantrarians?  The choice is obvious.  We have selected the steer for our mascot, and have all ready ordered 1,342 T-shirts with the emblem.  Why the steer, you ask?  The steer is a castrated bull, and is therefore stupid, angry, and impotent, which perfectly describes many of our electorate.

We also created our campaign song.  It will be an important tool in promoting party enthusiasm and loyalty.  We have included it here so all may learn from this stirring rendition.

So let us continue to hold aloft the Beantrarian banner as we march toward our goals of obstinacy in the face of improvement, self-righteousness in the face of humility, and gluttony in the face of chocolate.

The Beantrarian mascot