American angst only, please

I recently learned a most interesting factoid.  It appears that during the reign of Elizabeth I of England (1558-1602) there was great concern among the powers that be that England was too dependent upon foreign salt.  Salt was a much needed commodity.  It played a strategic role in England's global ambitions;  the soldiers in the army were given salt so they could kill and preserve any game they encountered in their campaigns, the Royal Navy was supplied with food preserved in salt for their lengthy sea travels, and salt was necessary for making gunpowder.  Much of this salt came from France, with whom England has never had a very cozy relationship (no doubt owing to the fact that for centuries England felt they owned a piece of it, and the French eat their fries with mayonnaise), so a great deal of effort was expended in an attempt to produce more English salt and rely less upon salt from the perceived enemy.  Forests were denuded and coal mines established to fuel the fires necessary to refine the salt extracted from underground brine pits.  Soon the countryside was polluted and ruined, with sinkholes developing near the salt works.

The salt conundrum is closely paralleled in the hue and cry I've heard all my adult life, "America relies too much upon foreign oil!"  This has resulted in similar concerns and attempts to create more domestic energy sources.  Fracking, drilling in Alaska's pristine wilderness, wind farms, and cars that need to be plugged in 24 hours to drive 40 mph and die 8 hours later are all examples of efforts to somehow fix our energy imbalance.  We only have 44 years worth of oil left, so the time to panic is now!  But what ever happened to England?  Four hundred years after their dire salt crises, they are still here, still kicking, and no longer concerned about salt.

We have become an alarmist nation, always looking for the next boogeyman around the corner.  As I am in a philanthropic mood, I have decided to be of service to our government leaders and point out a few crucial commodities that are in perilous danger of shortfall due to their nearly exclusive dependence upon the capricious whims of foreign countries.

1.  We rely too much upon the countries of the middle east, particularly Iran, to provide our national angst.  Without their constant turmoil and machinations, we would face a serious decline in anxiety, evangelical end-time scenarios, and amateur quality videos.  Perhaps our government could shift some of the onus to Liechtenstein, whom we could then invade and ransack looking for weapons of mass destruction.

2.  We are too dependent upon Austria, especially Vienna, for concert music by dead white guys.  Haydn, Mozart, Beethoven, Brahms, Bruckner, Schubert, Johann Strauss I, II, and III, Richard Strauss, Mahler, Schönberg, Webern, and Berg, and of course, the perennial favorite, Franz Lehar, all called Vienna home at some time.  If Vienna were to become a rogue state symphony orchestras across the country would be forced to play more music by living Americans, a scandalous proposition.

3.  We are too heavily invested in Jewish comedians for our comic relief.  Now I realize these are American Jewish comedians, which don't constitute a foreign entity, but if they all decided to go Zionist and immigrate to Israel, where would we be?  The list is lengthy and includes such notables as Woody Allen, Billy Crystal, Jason Alexander, Jerry Seinfeld, the Marx Brothers, the Three Stooges, Bea Arthur, and Joan Rivers.  Clearly we need to diversify and encourage comics from other historically repressed societies with a pathological need to kvetch and unburden themselves for our entertainment.

There are many other possible scarcities on the horizon.  Let us each do our part to ensure that we will have the resources necessary for future generations of Americans to consume more than their share for a very long time.

Prince Liechtenstein
Our new angst

Franz Lehar,
Everyone's Favorite